Payment Methods

Choose from a variety of payment methods that are just as innovative and unpredictable as our products!

EtelPay Card

Register your EtelPay Card today: the only credit card not recognised by any bank!

  • No annoying security features such as PIN or TAN
  • Extremely short payment terms (often within minutes)
  • Impressively high fees

Mafia IOU

With a Mafia IOU you can conveniently pay for your goods in the future, or maybe not. Then it gets interesting. The fees depend on the nearest mafia family and your running speed.

  • Flexible payment terms (depending on the mood of the Godfather)
  • Personal service: the money is conveniently collected at your home on the due date
  • No annoying payment reminders by post, only friendly visits from men in black suits
  • Free introduction to new, interesting personalities from the underground

“After buying my Sky Hook I had forgotten to pay. The nice gentlemen from the collection service not only helped me remember, they also modernised my furniture!” – Anonymous customer (for security reasons)

HITMAN-EXPRESS

As an alternative to the Mafia IOU, Etel-Tuning now also offers the payment partner HITMAN-EXPRESS. Register for free for a HITMAN-EXPRESS card and receive an exclusive profile picture on our internal wanted list!

  • At registration you can decide which body parts are spared in case of late payment
  • Individually agreed payment terms (we recommend “immediately”)
  • Motivation for punctual payment through regular reminder photos of your family

“The HITMAN-EXPRESS card revolutionised my financial discipline. I have never paid bills so punctually!” – Michael S., still-living customer

NEW: Crypto-Chaos-Coin (CCC)

For all tech enthusiasts we now also offer payment with our in-house cryptocurrency! The exchange rate is re-rolled daily: sometimes your purchase costs $5, sometimes your house.

  • Mining with your own vehicle possible (works best with the engine idling)
  • Every transaction is a gamble: you might accidentally become a millionaire!
  • No complicated blockchain nonsense: we note your balance on a napkin in the workshop
  • 50% chance that we register your payment at all

“I only wanted to buy a piston return spring, but thanks to the daily exchange-rate swings I now somehow own the entire Etel-Tuning warehouse in Frankfurt.” – Stephan W., confused major investor

Important notes

  • All payment methods are at your own risk and without any security.
  • In case of discrepancies our bookkeeping always applies (a slightly scorched notebook from 1974).
  • We do not accept refunds unless you find us in person and persuade us very emphatically.
  • Paying on collection? Please do not bring notes with serial numbers registered with the police.

How does Etel-Tuning ship? Learn more about our shipping options.

This is a parody. Nothing on this site is actually for sale or paid for.