The True Story of Etel-Tuning

From forbidden engine mods to cordless showerheads

How it all began

In 1837 the brilliant tinkerer Etelbert laid the foundation of today’s empire. He owned an ordinary horse-drawn carriage with a feeble 2 horsepower. Frustrated, he began to modify it. His first invention: the Double-Action Whip Return Spring with Anti-Lag System, which allowed up to 240 whip cracks per minute – a record that still stands in the holy tuning books.

The horses were less enthusiastic. To make up for the increased whip frequency, Etelbert developed a special oat feed with an integrated nitromethane complex that drove the horses to peak performance and made them glow at night.

His workshop, “ETEL’s Carriage Improvement Institute”, survived three fires, two explosions and one furious wife who had been flooded by his latest invention.

The international breakthrough

With the rise of the automobile, Etelbert’s grandson Hermann read the signs of the times and began marketing the company internationally in 1912. Since “Carriage Improvement Institute” was unpronounceable for most foreigners, he used the English word “tuning” – and ETEL-TUNING was born.

In the 1950s demand exploded thanks to the legendary advertisement for the Piston Return Spring, which became a must-have despite the occasional explosion when overheated. The Transmission Sand Premium became an international bestseller, although customs officers regularly seized parcels because they thought the contents were either highly explosive or completely pointless – often both at once.

Today

Etel-Tuning is proud to offer genuine parts for problems you do not have: blinker fluid, muffler bearings, cordless showerheads and many more engineering marvels.

Disclaimer: This website is satire. Nothing on it is actually for sale, there is no checkout, and any resemblance to real products is purely coincidental. Please do not send your apprentice to buy any of it – well, do, but only once.

Prefer German? Visit our German shop.