Our Shipping Partners

Processing time

After receiving your payment (or at least a convincing promise), it usually takes us no longer than one to two work-years to complete your order. Sounds long? Consider: good things take time, and Etel-Tuning products often take several attempts and at least one fire-brigade call-out.

Shipping partners

At Etel-Tuning you can choose between the following shipping partners:

CarrierPigeon

Order conveniently through our partner CarrierPigeon, the world’s first CO₂-neutral delivery service (if you do not count the droppings). Thanks to special feeding methods, the pigeons can carry parcels of up to 1.5 kg. Because the pigeons refuse to cross national borders, this option is only available within Germany.

  • Shipping costs: $69.90 flat rate
  • Maximum weight: 1.5 kg
  • Tracking: available for an extra $39.90 (we send a second pigeon after the first one to watch it)
  • Delivery time: approx. 1–2 days (weather dependent; no guarantee in case of birds of prey)
  • Delivery area: Germany
  • Special feature: 10% delivery discount if you own a pigeon loft yourself

Etel-Tuning MIB (Message in a Bottle)

Our in-house shipping department MIB is the most cost-effective way to receive your goods. Established sea and ocean routes guarantee an unreliable delivery at an indeterminate time. Shipping takes place in beer bottles, which we empty ourselves before dispatch. Small amounts of beer may remain on arrival; for health reasons we ask you not to drink them.

  • Shipping costs: $0.50 to $9.90 (depending on the brand of beer)
  • Maximum size (item): 5 cm (or foldable / bendable / compressible)
  • Tracking: not possible (we do not know where the bottles drift either)
  • Delivery time: cannot be specified (depends on weather, waves and the drinking speed of our staff)
  • Delivery area: theoretically worldwide, practically wherever the current takes it

TrebuchetPost

The fastest and most spectacular way to receive your parcel! Tell us your longitude and latitude (or draw a rough map with crayons) and we will immediately fire your parcel with a medieval siege engine onto your roof, into your garden or onto a free meadow near you. Our patented targeting system is based on the revolutionary “Approximately-There Technique”, developed by our chief engineer, who used to do artillery calculations on a napkin in the military.

  • Shipping costs: $120 flat rate (including a roof repair voucher worth $25)
  • Maximum weight: 20 kg
  • Tracking: free (you can watch the parcel during the entire flight; just look for a fast-moving object in the sky)
  • Delivery time: 5–10 minutes (minus the time you need to retrieve it from the neighbour’s garden)
  • Delivery area: 50 km radius

NEW: Quantum Courier Service (QCS)

For particularly impatient customers we now offer the revolutionary Quantum Courier Service! We teleport your order directly to your home.

  • Shipping costs: $299.99 (plus electricity)
  • Maximum weight: unlimited (theoretically)
  • Tracking: impossible (according to quantum theory, observation would change the delivery process)
  • Delivery time: instantaneous to never (Schrödinger’s delivery)
  • Delivery area: parallel universes in which you may live

Important notes

  • All shipments are at your own risk and without any guarantee of completeness, functionality or arrival in this century.
  • We accept no liability for collateral damage caused by TrebuchetPost deliveries (including pets, garden ponds and small vehicles).
  • If you keep a pigeon for longer than three weeks, it is automatically considered adopted and we will bill you for feed.
  • If you live in a lighthouse, you automatically receive 15% off all MIB shipments.

This is a parody. Nothing on this site is actually for sale or shipped.